Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The WORST movies I've ever seen!

Over the past week, I have reviewed a couple films that I absolutely adored.

Now, I'm going to share five films I've seen in the past year that have made me shudder. They are the worst movies I have ever seen, whether by accident or complete misjudgement on my part. And when you read my categorized descriptions, you will see why.



In a nutshell: Joan Crawford says the word "sperm."

Premise: An anthropologist discovers a half-man, half-ape, who miraculously survived the Ice Age, and she attempts to domesticate him, much to the grief of local authorities.

Favorite quote: "You know what they'll say? They'll say that Trog has a very nasty temper. But what can you expect from a slimy beast? Go ahead, missing link -- if that's what you are you should be missing. You bloody monster!"

Additional thoughts: As a huge fan of the legendary Hollywood glamour queen Joan Crawford, I am appalled and dismayed that this poor-quality, laughable science-fiction film was her last job as an actress.

The Day of the Triffids (1981)

In a nutshell: Giant rhubarb attacks blind people.

Premise: In this 1981 BBC mini-series, a comet blinds everyone in the world and large carnivorous plants go on a human killing spree. Bill and Jo, two soulmates who find each other amidst the chaos, are among the very few humans left who still have sight. It is up to them to save the world!

Adaptations: This mini-series is actually one of several adaptations of the 1951 best-selling science fiction novel, of the same name. There is a 1962 film, a 2009 mini-series (co-starring Vanessa Redgrave and Jason Priestly, of all odd combinations), and an upcoming film version rumored to be directed by Spiderman box-office sensation, Sam Raimi.

Additional thoughts: If you have a soft spot for terrible special effects, cheesy dialogue, and unbelievable romantic chemistry, this mini-series will not disappoint.


In a nutshell: Sean Connery wears a red leather thong in a futuristic land.

Premise: In the future, Earth has two distinct social classes: barbarians who live in slave-like conditions, and psychic geniuses, who control everything. Zed (a barbarian) crosses over into the other world, discovering secrets which could destroy it.

Sex Ed: The beautiful actress Charlotte Rampling has a random, lengthy monologue about penises.

Additional thoughts: Sean Connery's plethora of body hair practically creates a second main character in the film.

Malibu High

In a nutshell: When good girls go bad.

Premise: A high school senior gets dumped by her boyfriend and she becomes so unhappy, her grades start to suffer. Naturally, the only solution to raising her grade point average is to seduce her male teachers. Which, of course, leads to drug addiction and prostitution. The only logical conclusion is for her to become an assassin for a kingpin mob boss.

Soft-core porn: There is nudity. And it's the 70s. So, in other words, it's kind of a disgusting mess.

Additional thoughts: I bought this VHS movie at a garage sale for 25 cents, thinking it was going to be a cute, thoughtless teen comedy. The box had no description to tell me otherwise. Needless to say, I was horrified when I eventually watched it.

They Saved Hitler's Brain

In a nutshell: Film student footage added to a really bad movie.

Premise: After World War II, Nazis hide Adolf Hitler's head in a remote South American country, so they can resurrect the Third Reich for the future.

Bad editing: In 1969, UCLA film students were asked to shoot additional footage for a science fiction movie which had been filmed a decade earlier. Filmmakers then fused the student footage with the professional footage, to create this film. Unfortunately, the student footage is not only excruciatingly terrible, but it doesn't match up with the older film footage AT ALL.

Additional thoughts: Despite its poor quality and incomprehensible plot, the film has achieved cult status, especially to the producers of The Simpsons. The animated television show mercilessly mocks this film throughout various episodes.

Have you seen any of these?!

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