Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Dear Jennifer

I don't want to sound like a conceited bitch, but I know everything.

...Or, at least, I think I do. This confidence I exude gives people the belief that I know what I'm talking about. So, it makes them comfortable in confiding in me or asking me very serious questions, to which I am clearly the only person who can help.

Google knows this.

Every single day, hundreds of people are referred to my blog from Google, after asking the most random and profound questions in the search box. And only I can help them.

Call me a professor of bottomless wisdom, if you may.

Here is a batch of questions or statements which have brought people to my blog recently:

Is the war on heaven really over?

Google referred this lost soul to my review on Confessions of a Shopaholic. I can only assume this person found exactly what they were looking for in my poetic words about the endearing spending habits of Becky Bloomwood.

My boyfriend is gay and I'm not sure what to do about it.

It's over, sweetie. There is nothing you can do about it.

I think I might be gay and do I tell my parents?

First, make sure you're certain. There should be no "might be" about it. And yes, if you are gay, you probably should tell your family. Otherwise your life is going to get extremely complicated and incredibly miserable.

I know you're thinking of me when you're fucking her


Lesbian bitches kissing each other

I don't promote porn of any kind on this blog, but if you are looking for some high-quality films in which females lock lips, I highly suggest the following: Black Swan, Mulholland Dr., and Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

Sexy fat girl

Sigh. Yes, that would be me.

Why are Indian girls so hot?

Because we were born that way, baby.

How to be a hipster

The steps are quite easy.

1. Move to Portland.

2. Buy your entire wardrobe at Urban Outfitters, but tell people you only go thrifting.

3. Only listen to new, indie music that nobody else has heard of and then tell people you liked the band BEFORE they went mainstream.

4. Go vegan.

5. Own everything that Apple has ever made.

6. Only be seen at local coffee shops because Starbucks is corporate and therefore against everything you represent.

7. Did I mention owning everything Apple ever made?

8. NEVER call yourself a hipster. Or you will get your ass kicked.

Who is Anne Hathaway's boyfriend?

Anne is currently engaged to Adam Shulman, an actor and jewelry designer.

What is the fax Phil Collins sent to his last wife?

I'm sorry, but if I told you, I would have to kill you.

Who is Jonny Fabulous?

I want to marry Morrissey.

You and me both, honey. You and me both.

Will Swedish girls find me attractive?

If you have to ask, then probably not.

I wish I was Jennifer Fabulous

That's right, bitches. You all wish you could be me.

Any more questions?

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